And I'm Back.

That's right.

I'm back. 

Fuck the hiatus. Back to work. 

And I'm back to being lost (But a good kind of lost). Time to find myself again.

Here's another rap! (Golly, I haven't done one in a while.)

Always was known to never  mince my words

Cause they'll split a nigga, kill a nigga, slice a nigga into thirds

Ha! What am I saying? I'm not a killer, that's just absurd

I'd rather sit back and  relax and get high like birds

No not drug reference, ok maybe a small mention

to those silly little narcotics that let people feel heaven

A rush like a stolen car driven

Jumped off a ramp into a clear river

A new start to the same old, it seems my spine gets a cold shiver 

Feeling my focus coming back,

my hearts beating like I'm running track

finally set on golden, having hopelessness stumble back

to the bumbling dungeon that it came from

beating back laziness with a steel rod on base from

It's a new day, a  new dawn, bright sun is shining down

Back to blogging here on Lost and Hopefully Never Found.

This is could be fun. More than the first time. 

2WeeksofSummer + VLOG

Ahoy!

...
What am I, a pirate?

Let's try again.

Hey!
So I haven't posted anything in a while which sucks for me. And you. Of course.

So to make up for it, here's some chocolate!
Ahahah. No.

How about a short film? Huh? Yeah? YES.

In all seriousness, I shot this all in one day and edited it too.

Thanks to my brother for filming some scenes.
And for convincing me to lie down in the street. WAIT WHAT!??!

Just watch it. And tell me what you think. Seriously.
Comment here, on FaceBook and/or on YouTube.
I'll use the comments for the next project. Tell me what you'd like to see
and I'll do my best to meet your requests.

Also a good friend of mine is away for ten weeks so I'm going to try to get a new 
Lost Weekends up every week for ten weeks straight. Boy-oh.


Also shout outs to my two new friends, Mauricio and Katie. You guys are the best. 



Music (so I don't get in trouble...lame. I know)
_________________________________________
Ryan McTear - Jazzish
Ryan McTear - It's Miller Time
Ryan McTear - Electro Chill
David Choi - I Chose Happiness

Real Talk.

Hey.

Hey you.

Yeah you.

You know exactly who I'm talking to. If you don't, well then either I'm messed up or you are.


And we both know which one it is.


I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU. YOU DON'T MAKE  FUCKING SENSE.

I have tried everything to get your attention.

I texted you.
I Facebooked you.
I commented on things you did.
I even went 8 days vegetarian for you.
I EVEN MADE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BLOG FOR YOU.


And you...
you don't even give me the time of day.

We used to talk.
We talked about shit, random crap but I didn't care. Those were the best times.

I used to think that the feelings are mutual.
I was just too scared to ask you out.
Too scared to just "Hey! I like you. I really like you. Would you like to join me for some ice cream/movie/an adventure in a magical police box that could transport through space and time?"

But I didn't. I was too shy. I was too much of a fucking little girl to man up and just straight up ask you what the fuck was up.

What is it about you? I don't know but everytime I see you, I lose the ability to keep my composure and I don't know what to say and I just sit there, pretending to  do my "work" so it looks like I'm busy so that you don't think that I'm a crazy guy (which I am! Ha!), who is just sitting there, doing nothing, looking nowhere.

I never know how to just casually walk up to you to start a conversation and everytime I try, you just ignore me or give me one word answers.

And all of the confidence I mustered up to even walk up to you instantly vanishes and I stand there like an idiot. So I quickly run back to my seat and really buckle down to get some intense nothing done.

My shyness or fear or whatever you call it was...stupid, for lack of a better word.

Ha! Not anymore.
I'm tired of this bullshit.
Tired of the games.
Tired of over-analyzing every fucking word/comment/text/look you gave.

I know that if I don't ask you what's up, I'll regret this down the road.
And we can't have that (SENIORS 2012! NO REGRETS!)

Regardless of what you say, I need some closure.

So let's end this.




To everyone else, guess what.

I cried today for the first time in 5 years.

Not like a little girl.
Not like a dying old lady.
Just a few tears ran down my face.

And. It. Felt. Good.

"Why? Why are you so mad/sad/angry/confused/heartless/insertanyotheradjectiveyouwant today?"
Everyone asked me that question.


I wish I could tell someone. I wish I could tell anyone.

But today I felt more alone than any other day in my existence.
Today I felt sad.

No.
Not just sad.
Empty, useless, void, worthless, terrible, undeserving, conceited, miserable, sad.

As I suffocated in my own self loathing, a single phrase rang in my head:

I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing. 
I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
 I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
 I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
 I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing. 


Overandoveroveroveroveroverover again. I don't know what triggered this but today these feelings hit me like a truck, ran me over, and then backed up over me again for good measure.

All of the pressure that I held inside kept on bubbling up and up and....
I just couldn't take it anymore.

I just felt so alone.

My whole life, I've lived with a small but horrific notion:

If I can't ditch you in a moment without feeling sad, I don't want to get close to you.

I've never had a best friend and I've never really had good friends or friends in general. Just people I associated with, did dumb things with.

But in the back of my mind, I knew that I could leave these people and never talk to them again. That I could ditch them.

And then this year.
When I think about cutting off some of these people, I go fucking insane.

This year I have met some of the most incredible people in my life, possibly the world.

They have stuck with me regardless of what I did, said, anything.
They have never betrayed me or let me down.
And they have never given up on me.

Even when I gave up on myself.


So I wanna say thanks. I could name names but I don't need to. These people didn't help me out for the gratitude, fame, money, compliments.

No.
These people saved me because they believed in me.

And I realize that I should believe in me too.

Thanks.



And it seems I may have found what I truly thought would remain lost.