Real Talk.

Hey.

Hey you.

Yeah you.

You know exactly who I'm talking to. If you don't, well then either I'm messed up or you are.


And we both know which one it is.


I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU. YOU DON'T MAKE  FUCKING SENSE.

I have tried everything to get your attention.

I texted you.
I Facebooked you.
I commented on things you did.
I even went 8 days vegetarian for you.
I EVEN MADE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BLOG FOR YOU.


And you...
you don't even give me the time of day.

We used to talk.
We talked about shit, random crap but I didn't care. Those were the best times.

I used to think that the feelings are mutual.
I was just too scared to ask you out.
Too scared to just "Hey! I like you. I really like you. Would you like to join me for some ice cream/movie/an adventure in a magical police box that could transport through space and time?"

But I didn't. I was too shy. I was too much of a fucking little girl to man up and just straight up ask you what the fuck was up.

What is it about you? I don't know but everytime I see you, I lose the ability to keep my composure and I don't know what to say and I just sit there, pretending to  do my "work" so it looks like I'm busy so that you don't think that I'm a crazy guy (which I am! Ha!), who is just sitting there, doing nothing, looking nowhere.

I never know how to just casually walk up to you to start a conversation and everytime I try, you just ignore me or give me one word answers.

And all of the confidence I mustered up to even walk up to you instantly vanishes and I stand there like an idiot. So I quickly run back to my seat and really buckle down to get some intense nothing done.

My shyness or fear or whatever you call it was...stupid, for lack of a better word.

Ha! Not anymore.
I'm tired of this bullshit.
Tired of the games.
Tired of over-analyzing every fucking word/comment/text/look you gave.

I know that if I don't ask you what's up, I'll regret this down the road.
And we can't have that (SENIORS 2012! NO REGRETS!)

Regardless of what you say, I need some closure.

So let's end this.




To everyone else, guess what.

I cried today for the first time in 5 years.

Not like a little girl.
Not like a dying old lady.
Just a few tears ran down my face.

And. It. Felt. Good.

"Why? Why are you so mad/sad/angry/confused/heartless/insertanyotheradjectiveyouwant today?"
Everyone asked me that question.


I wish I could tell someone. I wish I could tell anyone.

But today I felt more alone than any other day in my existence.
Today I felt sad.

No.
Not just sad.
Empty, useless, void, worthless, terrible, undeserving, conceited, miserable, sad.

As I suffocated in my own self loathing, a single phrase rang in my head:

I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing. 
I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
 I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
 I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
 I have no one.
I have nothing.
I am nothing. 


Overandoveroveroveroveroverover again. I don't know what triggered this but today these feelings hit me like a truck, ran me over, and then backed up over me again for good measure.

All of the pressure that I held inside kept on bubbling up and up and....
I just couldn't take it anymore.

I just felt so alone.

My whole life, I've lived with a small but horrific notion:

If I can't ditch you in a moment without feeling sad, I don't want to get close to you.

I've never had a best friend and I've never really had good friends or friends in general. Just people I associated with, did dumb things with.

But in the back of my mind, I knew that I could leave these people and never talk to them again. That I could ditch them.

And then this year.
When I think about cutting off some of these people, I go fucking insane.

This year I have met some of the most incredible people in my life, possibly the world.

They have stuck with me regardless of what I did, said, anything.
They have never betrayed me or let me down.
And they have never given up on me.

Even when I gave up on myself.


So I wanna say thanks. I could name names but I don't need to. These people didn't help me out for the gratitude, fame, money, compliments.

No.
These people saved me because they believed in me.

And I realize that I should believe in me too.

Thanks.



And it seems I may have found what I truly thought would remain lost.

LASTDAYS

First off, new Lost Weekend. I have enough footage to make up until LW5 but....
as you know, I'm lazy. Oh so very lazy.

But to the title.

As a graduating senior, I have only THREE. DAYS. LEFT. OF SKOOL.

All of my learning will have come down to this moment.

Anddddd it's bittersweet.

But it's whatever.

Time to do this. Finish a ride that lasted twelve years of public schooling.

PROM PROPOSAL!

Ha! I lied! I finished a lot of stuff last night (JK. It's still untouched) so I decided to tackle all of my projects, the first being a prom video for my friends.

They will remain nameless (Hey, Matt! Hi, Sami!)
Never will I divulge that secret information. EVER.

First time editing a prom proposal but it was cool setting up the shots
and then...editing it. Wow. Not alotta steps here but still fun.

And my repertoire increases!

Enjoy, as always.

ANDITHINKIMIGHTBEABLETODOSOMEOTHERPROJECTSTODAYBUT
ICANTGURANTEEANYTHINGBECAUSEIMTERRIBLEATPROMISESJK
IMIDDINGWOWISAYJKALOTWHY?IDK.IDONTKNOWAHH!SOMANY
ACRONYMNS.

My Apologies

Hey. Hey. You. You. Me. Me.

...WTF?

SO. You may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in a while.

Lots of AP TESTING( life of an Asian) so I've been studying hardish? Yeah, its tough.

Im actually studying right now so....GIVE
GIVE ME DAT FIVE !

But I still have stuff planned so look out for that!

And things are happening to Team Swipe so check out the [+Team Swipe] tab! Such as Nike Night in Saturday!

Hope to see you there!
But until then, get lost.



.....





Get it? Like lost? Like the name of the...uh....forget it.
Just leave.  

LHNFVlogs - Cupcake Catastrophe

IM VLOGGING NOW.

WOO BOY.

So whenever I think of something, I'll vlog it.
It's going to be pretty random. Just sayin.

"Sol y Viente" Lost Episode

So
if you read the title, you must be asking " WHADDAFUXUP!?"

And yes. That is the correct response.

I was recently hired by some people to create a Spanish project for them
and this is the result.

My first project in another langauge so it was interesting working out some challenges!

Over the next couple of weeks, I will be working on EVEN MORE PROJECTS!
So get ready.


Enjoy!